


Light my candles in a daze

by Qpenguin98



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Self-Isolating, Suicide Attempt, woof its been a minute since ive used those tags!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 00:34:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21027338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qpenguin98/pseuds/Qpenguin98
Summary: Angus McDonald, aged fourteen, has done a lot in a very short amount of time.Somehow, all the things he’s saddled himself with haven’t been enough to chase out all the heaviness sitting in his chest





	Light my candles in a daze

Angus McDonald, aged fourteen, has done a lot in a very short amount of time. He’s lost a family, gained another one, fought against the end of the world, went back to school, became a part time teacher, and found a lot of things to busy his time with in between all of that. He’s constantly going, giving himself adequate time to rest after the few times Magnus had caught him overworking himself on the moon base, but it still doesn’t seem like enough.

Somehow, all the things he’s saddled himself with haven’t been enough to chase out all the heaviness sitting in his chest or the foggy feeling around his brain that makes it difficult for him to find words sometimes. He can’t wrap his brain around the never ending exhaustion that follows him around, but he won’t ask about it because he knows it’s not something others have. No one ever talks about things like this, especially not at school. It’s not really a work appropriate topic, how hard it is to do things all the time.

Angus is smart, he knows something’s wrong with him, and that it’s probably not a years long sickness plaguing him so it has to be something with his brain. He’s read up on mental illness, and while it wasn’t exactly a _pleasant _read it was certainly informative. He’s probably depressed, absolutely has some anxiety, but it feels wrong to say. The few times any sort of mental illness came up with his parents they always made it abundantly clear that there was something seriously wrong with “those type of people.” They were lazy, were putting themselves in their own bad situations, it was all in their head, obviously, so it should be simple to move past. It wasn’t like an actual injury or illness.

He knows that’s not right, but the idea of bringing it up, of saying that he might, even just a little bit, be depressed is stomach turning. So he doesn’t. It’s easier to not talk about it at all, after all. Don’t have to deal with any of the tough conversations.

Lazy is not a word anyone would use to describe Angus, and he’s determined to keep it that way. He keeps up on his work, makes sure his classes are packed full of information and that, in turn, he is packed full of information from the classes he takes. He practices magic, goes through lessons with Taako on the weekends he goes home, makes food with him when the opportunity arises, helps out with Magnus and the dogs when they visit him in Raven’s Roost, assists Lucretia when she has a job he could take, and always offers his help whenever it could be possibly needed.

Putting a label on the feelings he’s felt for years now shouldn’t change anything, but it does. He won’t be a nuisance, won’t let this get in the way of his relationships with people. He’s got things to do, he can ignore this for a little longer.

He could deal without the ever present fog, though.

He’s heard of the concept of hurting oneself to get rid of bad feelings or bring feelings back in, and he knows it’s not really acceptable, but honestly he’s tired of being tired and unfocused all the time and is ready to try something other than mindfulness techniques that never really get him anywhere.

It hurts, obviously, but it’s also a breath of fresh air. He’s focused on something more than halfway for once, and while the cut on his thigh isn’t much, it’s something. Something he can press a finger into through his pants in the daytime to regain his focus and cut through the haze of the day.

_Well,_ he thinks to himself, a little upset. _That wasn’t supposed to work._

It isn’t meant to become a habit, but, you know, that’s how those things go.

Always on the upper thighs, carefully contained so no one else sees and has to deal with it. A mishmash of slightly mangled skin that continues to get more mangled as time goes on.

It’s not like he’s killing himself. He’s not dumb, he knows what he can and can’t do. That’s a step too far. Currently. It’s not like he hasn’t toyed with the idea, but that’s why he knows it’s too much. There’s too many people to deal with, too many emotions around that and all the people it would probably hurt.

He has a running list of best ways to do it though.

One day, holding it in gets a little bit too much. He’s half planning classes with Lucas, half testing out a new robot with him, and it’s been so hard to make his mouth work correctly with the words he’s trying to say that he gets frustrated enough to break a bit.

“Do you ever feel foggy?” he asks, writing down summaries for one of the new classes they’re trying to mock up.

“Sometimes?” Lucas answers. “Like when I haven’t gotten enough sleep or something gets really confusing.”

“No,” he says a little irritated. That’s not what he meant. “Like, like your brain doesn’t want to work and sometimes your mouth just doesn’t do words right, or your whole body’s a little fuzzy, or you’re always tired.”

Lucas turns and looks at him. “You feeling okay?”

“Of course,” he answers easily. “I’m just wondering.”

“Just wondering,” he says carefully. “Right. Of course.”

“I am feeling fine, Lucas. I just, a kid in one of my classes was talking about it with someone else, and I wanted to know.” He’s not a great liar. The beginnings of lies are always easy, but it’s the end that comes and kicks him.

“Huh,” Lucas says. “I mean, I used to for a while when I was younger, but not so much anymore. Pretty sure the better situation’s helped that out.”

“Right,” he says, biting his tongue between his teeth. Better situation. He’s not sure there is a better situation than this one.

“You can talk to me, you know. I know I’m your boss and all, but if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

“Thanks,” he says, going back to writing the summaries. “Do you think a ‘Practical Magic at Home and at Work’ class would be good? Or is that a little too much outside prep?”

“Depends on how practical the magic is,” Lucas answers, falling back into their work.

This has told Angus one thing, that asking about what he’s feeling is only going to get people worried and too invested, and he absolutely doesn’t want that. He just wants to know how to get rid of it in a good way that doesn’t cost him a bit more blood than he’s comfortable with.

It’s not an issue, and he intends to keep it that way.

He tries breathing exercises and shaking his hands out and screaming into a pillow and none of it works. It all just builds up and up into something he can’t control and he’s left with a bloody washcloth and a shame that swirls in his stomach because he knows, he knows this isn’t right, but nothing else is right either.

A break in school comes and he heads home, dropping his body onto his bed in Taako and Kravitz’s home. He’s so desperately tired, the mattress seems to suck him in, but he can’t rest. He has things to do and people that will be disappointed if he doesn’t do them.

He makes cookies with Taako, goes over recent mysteries with Kravitz, trains dogs with Magnus, goes on what probably wasn’t the most kid friendly adventure with Lup, and it’s all in two days. Not to mention everything else that happened in between. It’s too much. It shouldn’t be too much.

Things come to a bit of a head during magic lessons. Taako’s trying to teach him an animation spell. It’s something he’s always had trouble with and today is no different. He waves his wand, says the incantation, has his components perfectly spread, but the little mannequin still won’t move. It’s frustrating for both him and Taako, but mostly for him.

“D’you wanna try a different approach?” Taako asks lazily from his chair, own mannequin sitting perched on his shoulder. It had climbed up a few minutes ago and would occasionally offer arm movements of encouragement.

“No,” he grits out, breathing in deep through his nose before trying again. Still nothing. He’s tired and upset and his legs hurt but that’s nobody’s fault but his own. He closes his eyes. “It’ll work.”

“You’ve been saying that for months, bubeleh. It’s alright if a spell doesn’t jive with you.”

“It’ll _jive _with me just fine,” Angus says, venomous. “I just need to focus better.”

“I dunno how you could focus any better than you already are,” Taako says lightly.

“I could be less tired for once,” Angus snaps. “Or more into it. Everything’s so much all the time and this is _not helping_.”

“How do you mean?” Taako asks, and Angus realizes what he’s just said.

“Nothing,” he says quickly, arms tensing, hand fisting around his wand. “Just school. Had a lot on my plate with teaching. It’s nothing. I just need to settle into it a little better, that’s all.”

“Didn’t sound like that was all there was,” Taako says, and the blasé in his voice is just for show. Angus can tell he’s concerned, and it frustrates him to no end.

“That’s it,” he says, and oh gods he’s so tired. His head feels cloudy and he wants today to be over so badly. “There is nothing else going on, Taako.”

“Alright.” He raises his hands in mock surrender. “You know if there is something else you don’t gotta keep it all bottled up in there right? You look like you’re gonna explode, bud.”

He can’t help himself. He lets out a noise of frustration and slams his wand down on table, stalking back inside. He sees Taako turn in surprise to watch him go, but he does nothing to stop him. Good. He’s not sure what would happen if he did. He’d probably start crying, if he’s being honest with himself.

Angus shuts the door to his room before Kravitz, who is surprisingly home for the day, can ask any questions. He lets himself stew for a minute, relishing in the feeling of blowing off his questions and concerns, of ignoring the pointed looks and unsubtle words.

After that minute, he drowns in panic. Oh gods, oh _gods_, he just blew off Taako, his teacher and caretaker. And for the stupidest reason, too. That he cared too much. That he cared too much? Angus doesn’t even know why he got so mad. He just was, and it swelled up and up and up until he couldn’t hold it anymore and it popped out, just a bit. But that’s enough It’s enough for him to see how ungrateful and selfish and lazy he really is.

He digs his fingers into his thighs through his pants and hunches over, breathing through the muted sting it gives him. That list pops into his mind, the best ways to kill himself. He might’ve just lost everything, every person who cares about him for this. For blowing him off. It wasn’t even the worst he could have done. He could have yelled and screamed and cried and bared his soul, and he would’ve wanted to be struck down that very moment. This was enough. This was enough for him to ruin everything and everyone that cared for him and all his chances at having a normal life and a normal family and—

A knock on the door halts his train of thought, and he stands up, unbunching his pants and rubbing his hands over his face to brush away whatever expression is there. He opens his mouth to answer but closes it again, not sure what to say.

Another halfhearted knock comes, just the one, and then a sigh. “Kiddo, I know you’re in there.”

“Mmm,” comes from him unbidden.

“Can I come in?” Taako asks him, and he’s right outside the door. So close. Angus hems and haws and then decides to get the inevitable over with.

“Yeah,” he says softly, and the door knob turns and he opens it. Angus stands very still, hands clasped together as he watches Taako come into his room. Taako takes a look at him and huffs, cocking a hip and resting his hand on it while he kicks the door shut behind him.

He twists his lips and tips his head back. “You’re lookin’ a little rough there, Agnes.”

“I’m fine,” Angus says quietly, and Taako gives a little laugh.

“It’s okay if you’re not. I know I’m not really… not really great at feelings and shit, but you don’t gotta pretend everything’s all peachy keen when it isn’t.” He pauses, blinking, and smiles a little bit. “Little hypocritical of me to say, but it’s fine to talk about stuff, bubeleh. I can tell things aren’t alright, and maybe it was a little heavy handed, but I just wanted you to know.”

Angus feels frozen in place. He squeezes his hands together tightly and tries to think of what to say. “You’re not mad?”

“Mad? Creezus kid no way. You’re allowed to be frustrated about stuff. Just look at me. I get frustrated all the time!”

Angus gives a little smile and Taako mirrors it back to him. There’s something behind it that Angus is going to choose to ignore, a bigger conversation, a deeper dive into what’s happening in his life that he’d rather not talk about.

“Lemme ask it one more time,” Taako says. “How’re you feeling?”

“Upset,” Angus says, because if he gives a sliver of honesty Taako will let it go. “About the spell and about school.”

“Why school?” Taako asks, and it’s a bit strained, like he’s not used to having tough conversations, which he isn’t.

“The workload’s a little more than I was expecting, taking on another class this year,” he says, which isn’t all that untrue. He has been a bit stressed teaching two different courses, but it’s not remotely the root of his problems. “I think… I think I thought it’d be easier to slip into it and also still do schoolwork of my own. And Lucas has been helping, but I haven’t really told him what’s going on so he doesn’t know and it’s not his fault.”

All of his family jumps at the chance to throw Lucas Miller under the bus, and Angus gets it. He really, really does. But he’s also his boss, and his teacher, and sort of his friend so his feelings are mixed, and it really isn’t anything to do with him right now.

“You gonna tell him?” Taako asks, crossing his arms. “Try and cut it down a little?”

“The semester’s almost over, so I might just wait it out and then hash stuff out for next semester a little differently. It’s not bad, I just wasn’t ready.”

He wasn’t ready. He isn’t ready. He has no sense of readiness and it’s terrifying. His whole life is practically planned out for him, spending it cooped up at Lucas’s school and taking the odd detective job here or there, but he has no clue what he wants.

He’s so _tired_.

“Mm,” Taako says, lips curled down. “I don’t like it, but if that’s what you wanna do, go ahead. But tell him you’re stressed. This is the only time I’ll ever say this, but he isn’t _horrible_ at management, and he might have some tips on how you can sort it better.”

“Okay,” he says, lying through his teeth. He needs to be better. He needs to get better at making this go away, because this is a conversation he doesn’t want to repeat. “I will.”

Taako breathes out harshly and swings his arms. “Are you feeling a little better? Because I’ll be honest, I dunno how much more advice I got in me.”

Angus smiles and nods. “I am. Thanks. For… for trying, I guess?”

“Fuck, kid, you could just say I did a bad job,” Taako says, but Angus can tell he doesn’t mean it.

“Next time,” he promises, and Taako rolls his eyes.

“I’m gonna get started on dinner, if you wanna help. Stuffed peppers?”

He considers it for half a second, saying no, but he imagines the disappointed face he’d get and nods in assent instead. He can’t do that. He can’t let them be disappointed in him.

Break ends too quickly, but the rest of it is spent mostly relaxing. He’s not sure if Taako said something or if everyone picked up on his foul mood, but his activities are minimal and he’s not sure what to do with himself. He’s not used to free time. It makes him feel antsy.

But he’s back at school, and things are going, well, they’re going just how they always have, except Angus is more careful. He’s dead tired, but he doesn’t let anyone know. His head feels heavy and his body feels achy, but he has a job, he has standards to uphold. His legs sting, but that’s a fault of his own. He’s running out of space, he pulls out a knife too frequently, but it gives him a bit of relief, so he’s not sure how to cut down.

To everyone in the world, Angus McDonald is fine. He’s an excellent actor, has gotten better at bullshitting his way through the day, and lies have gotten easier.

The semester goes by in a blur and then it’s winter break, and he finds himself back home again, trying to busy himself with family and planning for the next semester.

For all that Candlenights and the holidays are meant to be spent with family, Angus has found it very easy to slip away and isolate himself. It’s almost freeing, removing himself from the fray and finding himself alone for hours on end. No one questions him, and it doesn’t exactly give him any ideas, but it certainly doesn’t hinder his thoughts from wandering.

He’s really not sure how most of Candlenights goes. It all fuzzes away after a few days, memories and moments blurring together, and he doesn’t quite mind it. He loves these people, they’re his family, they’ve been his family for three years, and they love him too. But if he pulls himself away more often, they might get a little less attached.

A little less hurt if things went wrong.

The semester starts back up, and he returns to the school with a few new sweaters, an excellent new notebook, playing cards, and a stone necklace that rests comfortably against the dip at the bottom of his throat. He twists it in his fingers when he feels like he needs to move, and it alleviates some of the pressure. It’s a gift from Kravitz, a polished piece of obsidian on a braided cord.

He does not follow his own lying through his teeth advice of taking on less classes and discussing it with Lucas. He does the same two classes, one on the basics of magic, and another on detective work in a world with magic. The second one had been a creation of his making, with helpful inputs from both Lucas and Taako, at separate times of course. He takes a full course load of classes right alongside teaching. He’s not going to let himself become stagnant, won’t let himself become a burden on those around him.

And those around him, well. They don’t _have _to be around him. If he did some shoving, some removing himself from their lives as much as he can, well, then they wouldn’t have to worry or care when he inevitably goes off the rails.

The notebook he totes around with him, and it doesn’t just sit there. He brainstorms sometimes, writes that list down. Which ways are the best to die, which ways are the least inconvenient. Angus plots out entire scenarios, how to remove himself from his family, how best to remove himself from the world without causing a fuss. It was absolutely not the intended use, but that’s what it’s become. His death notebook. He’s encountered suicides before in his work, people grasping for strings that it was a murder and not their family member that’d done it. He’s seen the aftermath, he’s seen how it affects them. He’s determined not to let it do that to his family.

He’s not sure when it went from a one off thought every now and then to an ultimatum, but he knows it’s coming. He can plot and he can plan, but in the end it’ll hash out however convenient for when his brain’s finally had enough.

A weekend comes. They ask him to come home and he brushes them off with excuses about homework and grading. Another one comes and he does the same. They stop asking after three, leaving it open to him for whenever he wants to.

He doesn’t take them up on the offer.

He keeps his conversations with Lucas to a minimum, work and school related only. He declines his offers of experimentation with the same reasons he gives his family, just modified a little to fit the fact that he’s actually at school.

The current plan, which Angus has drawn a little star next to, is to isolate as much as possible, get the people surrounding him to have such an apathetic opinion of him, and once he’s sure there’ll be minimal hurt around his leaving, do the deed. The deed itself is up in the air, but the options he’s leaning towards the most are either some type of poison or too much of a medication. He doesn’t exactly have access to the infirmary on campus, but he does know Knock, so it can’t be that hard. If he gets caught that’ll only add to the distance between himself and other, marking him as something he both is and isn’t and causing avoidance, possible expulsion, and then he’ll really be in it.

A big school break is looming, and Angus almost considers not going, but that would raise suspicion he doesn’t need, so he agrees to go. But he insists on taking the train, tells them he needs some decompression time from the middle of the semester to going home to family. They eat it up and it’s almost scary to him how good he’s gotten at deflecting.

He’s still so tired, but that doesn’t make sleeping on the train any easier. He stresses about missing his stop, delaying the inevitable, so he sits wired in his seat for the two hour trip back, picking at a book halfheartedly. He scribbles in the notebook, plans for avoiding his family as much as he can this break. There aren’t a lot of options, and most of them are contingent on other people not discussing his whereabouts because he’ll be using names for getting away.

Taako’s still finishing things up at his school when Angus arrives, but Kravitz greets him with a smile and a warm hug, that Angus sinks into by nature. It’s so… it’s the best he’s felt in a while, and oh. Oh no, no no no, he can’t do this. He can’t let them get reattached. He wiggles his way out of his grip, giving a shaky smile before holding up his bag.

The door to his room closes behind him and he slumps onto it, closing his eyes. He’s been removed from this situation, and his chest aches with how much he’s missed it, but he won’t allow himself to enjoy it. He has a job to do, and that job is to make them stop caring about him as much as possible.

Dinner that night is tense, and Angus does his best not to give too much about his life away, to act as aloof as possible and not ask any questions about them as possible, but it’s hard. He’s curious by nature, and Taako and Kravitz have gotten so good at leaving space open for him to chatter and ask details that the empty silences are that much more deafening.

He goes to bed frazzled, edges raw from the effort of trying not to care.

The first person he lies about going to visit is Lucretia, because he knows Taako won’t ask her if he was really there. He walks around town instead, catching up on reading and grading he’d been putting off. Merle is the next person on the list to feign visiting. As much as he plays the dislike card, he knows he’d probably cover for him if need be.

And doesn’t that just sting. He plays up visiting someone who he knows cares about him under all the gruffness to make another part of his family dislike him that much more. And maybe if Merle learned about what he was doing he would hate him. That’s the goal, isn’t it?

He scopes out the apothecary, having read up on medicinal poisons that he might not be questioned too heavily for buying, and writes a couple name sin the notebook. Foxglove, nightshade, buttercups. He buys a vial of each, chattering on about spell components and medicinal purposes to the clerk. He gets a skeptical look, but he namedrops Lucas’s school, tells them it’s for a project and that he’s just in town for the break. Oh, how much better the prices are here than the town next door to the school! He’ll be sure to tell everyone he knows how wonderful the shop is, thank you so much sir!

They get shoved under his clothes in the bag he never bothered to unpack and they’ll sit there until he’s certain.

There’s two days left in break, and he’s running out of people to namedrop that he knows won’t rat him out. Barry and Lup are a no go, Magnus may be able to keep a secret but he wouldn’t keep this one, he’s used Lucretia twice already, and he’s running out of homework to grade or do.

He tries to leave for the day with a half hearted mumble of where he’s going, notebook in hand, and Taako stops him. Both him and Kravitz are here, sitting in the living room, watching him try to scurry his way out of the house.

“Not so fast, Ango,” Taako says, one leg crossed over the other as he sits with his hands perched on his knee. “You’ve spent the whole of break away, and I thought we’d spend the day together.”

His tone is steely, leaving no room for argument. But Angus has work to do.

“I wish I could,” he says. “It’s just been so busy lately—”

“With what?” Kravitz asks. He eyes the notebook for a second. “What’s got you so busy over break? There’s no way it’s school.”

“Actually, it is,” he says, adjusting his stance. Seems he’s gonna have to dig a bit deeper into this one. “We’ve got a project over break, have to go seek out mysteries on our own and write them all down.”

“What class is that for?” Taako asks.

“Masters of Mystery,” Angus says easily. It’s an actual class offered, just not one he’s taken.

“We could help?” Kravitz supplies, and Angus shakes his head.

“It has to be done alone, to show that we’re capable of finding things in the mundane.”

“What’s with all the visits to Lucretia then?” Taako uncrosses his legs and leans forward. “Dunno why you’d go to her for that. She made her own dam mysteries out of thin air.”

“Well that’s exactly why,” Angus says. “I know you have your… I know you’re not on the best of terms, but she did make something out of nothing—”

“I talked to Lucretia yesterday, Angus,” Kravitz says, and Angus’s blood runs cold. “She said she hasn’t seen you at all this year, let alone this break.”

Taako stands and takes a couple steps closer, but Angus stands his ground. He can save this, warp it in his favor.

“I thought it’d make you feel better if I had a destination instead of just running around on my own.”

“Oh come on, like you didn’t do enough of that before we met you,” Taako scoffs. He takes a breath and steadies himself before he says anything he’d assumedly regret. Angus wishes he would, it would give him a good excuse to leave. He looks Angus up and down and narrows his eyes on his left hand. “What’s in the notebook, Angus?”

He used his actual name. Oh good, Angus really can’t save this. “It’s like I said, the mysteries—”

“Nah,” Taako says. “I don’t think it is.”

He snatches it so quick that Angus doesn’t have time to think, holding it up and out of his reach. Angus stands there, shocked, eyes wide.

“Give it back,” he says shakily.

“I really don’t think I will,” Taako says. Kravitz stands up from the couch, eyeing Taako and the notebook warily. “I really gotta wonder what’s so important about this thing. I don’t think I’ve seen you without it once this break. I know it was a Candlenights gift, but come on, kid. What’s the big deal?”

“Give me the notebook back, Taako,” he says, voice sharp. His hands are fists at his sides. Taako scoffs, rolling his eyes.

“That the best you got? Please. I could read through this thing in a second. Do you want me to? It probably answers the question of why you’ve been avoiding all of us for months.”

Angus’s ears are rushing, his heart is in his throat, and he does the last thing he can think of.

“Did you ever stop to think,” he says icily. Taako and Kravitz actually pause to look at him better. “That the reason I’ve been avoiding you is because I don’t want to be here?”

“What?” Taako asks quietly, eyes wide.

“Oh come on, can you really not tell?” Angus’s stomach is twisting itself in knots and his heart feels like it’s being smashed into a thousand tiny pieces, but it’s better this way. “I’ve been trying to give you hints for months but it really isn’t working. I don’t want to be here. It’s not like I want to spend all my time with all of you. I’m fourteen. I’m almost fifteen! You can’t expect me to spend all my break here around _family_.”

He says it like a dirty word, and maybe it is by the way Kravitz and Taako are looking at him. “I didn’t want to do this, but you really didn’t give me a choice. I’m avoiding you because I don’t want to be here anymore. At all. It was a courtesy, honestly, me coming back for break. But this is just too much.”

The air is thick with the silence after he’s done speaking. Kravitz is looking at him with open hurt, and Taako can’t keep the shock off his face. Angus’s hands are shaking and he fists them up harder. It’s a moment before anyone says anything, but Taako takes that moment to school his face into a look of indifference.

“Fine,” he says, dropping the notebook down and holding it out. Angus snatches it back. “If that’s how you feel, then that’s fine. I figured we made it pretty clear that you never needed to feel tied here, that this was a kindness of mine to take you in, but I guess it didn’t come across as clear as I wanted.”

His hands find his hips and he purses his lips. “If you want to go, no one is stopping you.”

Kravitz looks at Taako sharply, but Taako doesn’t flinch. He’s staring at Angus with the coldest look he’s seen on his face since S&S. It’s a bit of a stare off, no one saying anything, until

“Fine,” Angus says, turning back to the bedroom and grabbing his bag. It’s still packed, all the same stuff that’s been in it, but it feels heavier. Maybe it’s the poison in the bottom, or maybe it’s everything he just said.

“Angus,” Kravitz calls as he leaves, but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t falter, just keeps walking out the door and to the train station.

It doesn’t take long, the train comes on the hour and he got there five minutes before. He sits at his train table, rests his head on the wood, and tries not to think about what he’s just done.

_It’s for the best,_ he thinks miserably, trying not to cry in this car full of people. _It’s for the best_.

Things pass in a bit of a haze, but they’re relatively normal. Kravitz tries to call him. So does Lup. He doesn’t answer. Either of them could pop to where he’s at in a moment’s notice, but they don’t. They respect his space, or they just don’t care enough to actually make the effort, and if they don’t care enough to make the small amount of effort it would take, that means his job’s done.

Lucas is still trying, but the people he needed to stop caring most have done it. He doesn’t want to hurt Lucas, but if it’s just the one person compared to the ten he was worried about before, it’s not so bad.

He leaves his students with a light workload, nothing too taxing for what he knows will be their last class. He turns in his papers and finishes his own schoolwork, and ignores Lucas trying to strike up a conversation with him.

It’s about two weeks after break is finished that he makes up his mind to really do it, but he does. He sits down, pulls out the notebook that he hasn’t touched since leaving home, and writes.

He rips out the sheet of paper when he’s done, folding it up and placing it on top of the notebook on his bedside table. He pulls out the vials, liquidized versions of each of the poisons. He stares a them, considering. Buttercups sound the most painful, so he sets it aside, not to be used unless somehow the other two don’t work.

Nightshade has the nasty effect of also being a sore spot for Taako, but it’s also the most effective. Very quick, he won’t understand what’s happening, and eventually he go unconscious and die.

Foxglove has a lesser effect, is a little painful, but does slow his heart down so if he drank the whole thing he’d be sure that it would work.

If he took them both it’d probably be bad, but the whole thing is going to be bad, so what does it matter?

He downs the foxglove first, grimacing at the taste. It’s spicy and bitter against his tongue, and he gags after swallowing it. He hesitates for a second before uncapping the nightshade and downing that too. It’s much sweeter, a little bit like the wine Taako let him try one Candlenights. He doesn’t gag at this one, but his mouth does pucker.

It’s quick, the dizziness that hits him. His stomach cramps and he blinks his eyes. The rooms spinning, and he sits down on the ground heavily, resting back against his bed. He knows what’s happening. His heart’s slowing down, or speeding up. His pulse is heavy behind his eyes. His hands shake where they rest against his legs and he tips his head down onto his knees. He opens his mouth and lets it stay like that, feeling the air enter his throat and leave it.

A knock on the door shocks him upright, eyes wide, heart pounding. His hands shake worse, and the darkness at the edge of his vision swirls menacingly.

“Angus,” Lucas says, and he sounds almost stressed. “Kravitz called. Let me in?”

His mouth works around the word no, but doesn’t actually say it. The feeling of his tongue in his mouth is odd, heavy and big, unnatural. There’s a feeling of something touching the back of his neck and he slaps at it.

“Angus?” Lucas asks, pounding a hand on the door again. “You alright?”

“Mmm,” he says, and immediately regrets it. He doesn’t sound alright, doesn’t sound normal to his own twisted ears. He can feel the way sounds are moving, can see the shadows all around him writhing as his stomach twists. “’M fine.”

The handle jiggles, and he lets out a moan of protest. His words are failing him, and isn’t that horrible? He wants his words back. He needs his words back. He slaps a limp hand against his mouth. Words are important, they’re they only thing he’s ever had, the only thing that matters. “No,” he manages loosely. It’s a hardship shaping that much.

His eyes droop and then he hears a _much_ heavier knock. It opens the door, and Lucas comes in, looking frazzled and worried, and it doesn’t get better when he catches sight of Angus.

“Angus?” He asks, looking around at everything. His eyes land on the two empty bottles, the note on the table, the knife resting next to everything, and then back to Angus. They’re wider, pupils small, breath fast.

His breathing matches that, and he jerks forward, waving his arms. He can’t be here. He’s not supposed to be here.

“Fuck,” Lucas says breathlessly before he rushes up and scoops him into his arms. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck!”

“No no nonono,” Angus whines in his ear, head spinning around and around as he’s pulled unwillingly from the floor.

“You’re gonna be fine,” Lucas whispers as he moves as fast as he can. “It’s gonna be fine.”

Angus curses his body for its lack of appropriate words, “no” is not effective. He opens his mouth to try again, but feels his body lock up tight before everything goes black.

He wakes up in doses, catches sight of the fluorescent lights first, of a dark ceiling second, people’s faces make their way in there, but he never remembers who they are.

When he finally wakes up for good, it’s to dim light from the window next to him. He’s wearing a soft cloth shirt, has a blanket coving the majority of his body, and his head is tilted to the side. He shifts to be sitting up a bit more and finds his hand stuck. He looks down to see Taako asleep on the side of the bed, holding his hand in his. His hat’s resting on the corner of the chair and he looks exhausted. He doesn’t wake when he moves, just furrows his brows for a second before relaxing again.

He turns his head to gather the rest of his surroundings and finds Kravitz leaning against the wall on his other side, looking at him. He also looks tired, though he doesn’t need the sleep. Angus stares at him, and he stares back, and it’s a quiet moment of hurt and understanding before Angus feels his nerves act up and he looks back down at his lap. He hears Kravitz sigh and push himself off the wall, the bed dipping on his right as Kravitz sits at the foot of it. Angus resolutely doesn’t look at him.

“We got tired,” Kravitz says quietly so as not to wake Taako. “We got tired and worried when you wouldn’t answer anyone, so I called Lucas.”

He nods. It’s all a bit fuzzy after he’d drunk the vials, but he remembers Lucas saying something about Kravitz calling.

“You’re lucky,” Kravitz tells him. “That he found you when he did.”

“I wish he hadn’t,” comes from his mouth and he’s immediately mortified. He chances a glance at Kravitz and finds hurt written all over his face. He looks back down.

“You mean that,” Kravitz says after a minute. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

“That’s okay,” Angus says, because he doesn’t either. “We can just sit here.”

They do, and it’s a little longer before Taako wakes up, scrunching up his brows and squeezing his hand a bit tighter before blinking open his eyes. He sees Angus awake and sits up, pulling him into a tight hug. Angus goes with it, limp, but he closes his eyes, relishes in the feeling of arms around him after shying away from affection for months.

“Fuck,” Taako says quietly. “Creezus, kid, that was scary.”

He doesn’t say anything, and neither does Kravitz. It’s not the time.

“What the hell,” Taako says, pulling back and staring him the eyes. “What the hell was that?”

Angus flounders for an answer, but settles on silence. Taako’s face falls and he slumps.

“You really got good at manipulating people, you know that bubeleh? You had us all fooled for a minute there. Had me going around in circles wondering what I did wrong. Guess I taught you too good.”

That stings. It was never their fault. Never. He hadn’t wanted to resort to that, but Taako’d left him with no choice. Taako, realizing he won’t talk, turns and grabs something from the bedside table. It’s the notebook and his note.

“Let’s talk about this, yeah? Krav, I’m gonna need some back up here because I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna be able to make it all the way through this.”

He holds up the notebook first, setting the note down on the blanket. “I shoulda kept this. It would’ve made things way easier if I had. You had it all planned out and written down and if I’d taken one look inside I would’ve known. The whole thing, the pushing us away, the picking out the poison, ruling out which ways not to kill yourself. Kid, it’s like a fucking autopsy in here. You weren’t even doing it yet and you planned for like every failure.”

“I didn’t want you to know,” he says quietly, picking at the blanket between his fingers.

“You did a good job,” Taako says bitterly. He picks up the letter. “Let’s talk about this, shall we? _This isn’t meant to hurt anyone, and if I’ve done things correctly it won’t. _Fucking baller entrance, by the way. What an opening line.”

“Taako,” Kravitz shays sharply, like they’ve talked about this already when he was asleep. Taako gives him a look and Kravitz gives him one right back.

“Stop,” Angus says, and they both look at him. “Stop it. It wasn’t meant to… you’re not meant to fight about this. That sentence was right. You’re not meant to get hurt by it.”

“We’re not fighting,” Kravitz says at the same time Taako says, “That’s not how this works.”

Angus stares at him and Taako sighs. “Also we’re not fighting, but that isn’t how this works. You don’t get to chose how we feel about you trying to kill yourself, kid. No matter how hard you try to make us stop caring, we’re not gonna. You’re family, and family doesn’t split that easy.”

Angus stares at him, teeth pressed together hard. He doesn’t know how to articulate all the things he’s feeling, and there are a lot of things. Most of the things he’s feeling are wanting to get out of this situation.

“Bronze for your thoughts?” Taako asks, sitting back in his chair a bit. Angus looks at Kravitz, thinks of the best way to say this, and then decides fuck it.

“I don’t know what I was supposed to think.” He says. Taako raises an eyebrow and he sees Kravitz rub at his face. “No, no don’t do that. You called, but you have literal dimension warping powers. You could’ve popped in at any time to check in, but all you did is call.”

“I didn’t want to intrude,” Kravitz says. “Personal space—”

“Yeah well, look where that got us,” Angus interrupts sharply. Kravitz looks like he slapped him, and Angus’s insides twinge. He turns back to Taako, who’s looking at him like he grew another head. “And you. You didn’t call, _told_ me to walk out the door, and you expected me to think you still cared? How is that getting the message across. You told me to leave and then never even tried to check up. I dunno about you, but that screams ‘I hate you’ to me.”

“Stop,” Kravitz says behind cupped palms. He scrubs them down his face again. “You’re trying to do it again, and I’m telling you it’s not going to work. I know you don’t mean it, what you’re saying. I know you understand the reasons behind the way we handled things. So stop. You’re not helping yourself, and we aren’t leaving.”

“Why?” he asks, voice breaking. “Why can’t you make this hurt less?”

Taako pulls him into another hug and Angus goes willingly, squeezing his eyes shut and burying his face in his shoulder. “Seems to me like you’re really just hurting yourself here, Mango.”

He tries hard not to, but it doesn’t work. Tears escape his eyes and he lets out a hiccupped sob and starts crying in earnest. Kravitz scoots up the bed and wraps him up from the other side. He’s held all over and it’s so nice it hurts. He gets a little hysterical, crying so hard his body shakes, and Taako rests a hand on his head to keep him steady.

“I just want it to stop,” he says eventually, still crying.

“Want what to stop?” Kravitz prompts gently.

“I’m so _tired_,” Angus says, fisting his hands in the blanket. “I’m so tired and foggy and feel bad all the time, and I’m anxious about everything and nothing helps. The— the cutting helped, and then it wasn’t enough.”

Taako stiffens, which means either he wasn’t going to bring that up or he didn’t know. He can’t imagine the hospital staff ignoring that, so it’s probably the first one. He keeps going, emboldened by the fact that he can’t see either of their faces. “A-And then, then the planning helped. Because I knew I was gonna do it, even if I didn’t know when. And I just need you to not care so I can do it and stop feeling like this all the time.”

“Kid,” Taako says, and his voice sounds wrecked. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“You can’t talk about it,” he says, and Taako pulls back, looking at him odd. Kravitz sits back also, and Angus curls his legs up so they can sit on the same side. “It’s not… no one talks about it. I know it’s not right to be like this. It’s a burden if I’m like this and everyone knows. It’s my fault.”

“Your shit parents tell you that?” Taako asks, and Kravitz gives him a hard nudge. Angus nods and he sighs. “That’s because they have no clue how the world works. It’s a normal thing, kid. It’s not some scary taboo topic. My head’s not a pleasant place to be and I get real foggy sometimes. I know Krav’s not always in the best place, Lup and Barry have issues out the fucking wazoo, Magnus has the whole thing with Julia and his stupid fucking hero complex. Merle’s just… Merle’s Merle. And I’m not gonna even touch on Dav and Lucretia because those are two cans of worms that are too big to get into right now. It’s not unnatural, Ango. Your whole damn family’s fucked up.”

“But,” Angus says, cursing himself for not asking earlier. “But you never talk about it?”

Taako winces, glancing at Kravitz who takes over the conversation. “Mostly I think it’s about not burdening you. We’re adults, so sharing each other’s weights isn’t so much work, but we take care of you, not the other way around. You shouldn’t have to worry about us when we’re meant to be doing that for you. It’s not your responsibility to make sure we’re alright, which is why the topic never came up. I think open communication is a warranted, considering this, and it probably should’ve been open from the beginning. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it feels weird to talk about it with people, even for us. We never meant for it to feel like you couldn’t ask just because we weren’t talking about it.”

Angus is quiet, and he looks down at his notebook and the note on the bed in front of him. It’s all the same still, but it feels different. He wants it, but it’s dulled. Less pressing.

“Okay,” he says eventually. “Okay. I’m still… It’s not so much but I still…”

“Yeah, that’s how it works.” Taako takes one of his hands and squeezes it. “What we do now is we work on it and make sure it doesn’t hit that spike again, yeah?”

He nods, grimacing. It’s not perfect, his head feels far from excellent, but it’s something. Kravitz wraps an arm around his shoulder and squeezes.

“Alright,” he says. “We’ll work on it."

**Author's Note:**

> Immediately after this Lucas busts in and hugs him for two minutes straight and is very upset that he had to go through that and also wants to make sure he's okay  
it's been a minute since i've done a straight up and down vent fic, but damnbo her we go! i wrote the first 1000 words of this in june and i got stuck in a writing slump recently so i did what i always do in a writing slump: hurt ango mcdango.  
if you liked this, or if you didnt, or if it hit something close to home for you, please comment!


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